Energy Balancing System; a detoxifying foot bath

It's Friday night and my good friend Claire and I decided to perform detoxifying foot baths at her place and then go for sushi. I first got wind of these detoxifying foot baths about four years ago at the old Open Eye Cafe. My source was completely unreliable, tweaked out, and about to skip town due to some unfortunate law related circumstances. These were the sort of folks I met hanging around the now retired, closet-sized Open Eye. Anyhow this under-medicated, soon-to-be-outlaw explained to me that his dad was a chiropractor who operated a machine that you put into a tub of water along with your feet and it cleanes out all toxins from your body. I assumed this involved a great deal of pain or a great deal of bullshit. A few years later, however, my law-abiding, sane friend Claire related to me that detox foot baths were costing her a fortune at $40 a pop so she decided to go ahead and buy the machine for herself. She purchased the EB Pro Energy Balancing System from EB Pro. Unlike me she is a science minded individual who in fact studies various science related fields with some of the most respected professionals in the country. She swears it's not bullshit. I for one can't swear to this because while my AP science classes were going on I was conducting some research and development of my own, which had very little to do with science and a lot to do with a mild form of brain damage otherwise known as teenage experimentation. Anyhow if Claire and wikipedia can explain it scientifically I'm willing to believe it's true. I have seen it with my own eyes (and feet) now three or four times. I am certain that my feet start out in a clean pale of water with nothing but salt in it. Then Claire puts the metal thingy (known to those in the field as "The Array") in the water. This creates the therapeutic ion field. The metal thingy is hooked up to a machine. As the machine runs the tub fills up with yeast, heavy metals and other waste residues. I just wish I saw it come out of my feet or felt some pain or something. I mean how do I really know it's not coming out of the machine? But Claire and her scientist experts are more brainy than I when it comes to ionizing foot baths so I bow to them. I do feel like I've just run a marathon after I do the foot bath. Sometimes I even feel light headed. Honestly, I feel fantastic even as I am writing this 8 hours later. Claire is very generous and lets my feet release the heavy metals and yeast for free. What comes out of my feet looks and smells disgusting. Enough yeast comes out to bake baguettes for all the Frenchmen in Quebec. The heavy metals materialize resembling discarded pencil shavings and the water turns from crystal clear purified water into something resembling urine. Yet again, obtaining beauty looks ugly. But my toes still look cute. And I suppose it's fitting that I'm spellbound by this ionizing foot bath. My feet always have been my favorite body part and I doubt I'd find the whole thing half as interesting if I were expected to sit with my hands in the bath for twenty minutes.

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